I Feel Nothing For My Unborn Child, And It Scares Me -

I feel nothing for my unborn child.

This is unlike how I felt with my first born. The first glimpse I had of my firstborn's face from the ultrasound before he was born I can remember vividly.

His sweet lips, his turned nose, his dove eyes and tiny fists which he stuck in his mouth were the pictures of him which imprint itself into my head. And so the instant when he was born, I felt I had met him before.

However, the same was not the case this second time around, we weren't able to see our baby's face until the third scan and when the face was finally revealed I didn't connect with this second child like I did the first.

For eight months now, I've been carrying this child, yet I still can’t connect to him/her at all. Maybe it's because I was expecting to see the first image I saw of my first son in this second one or not, either ways, I felt like I have a total stranger living in me as soon as I saw the ultrasound photo. Right then and there, I felt like a horrible mother who doesn't deserve this beautiful gift, while having all this thoughts, I looked at my husband and the look on his eyes confirmed he felt the same way I do too.

Indeed, it's normal to not totally bond and connect with your baby while pregnant and even after birth and I know this. And how it can take some time to actually adapt and fall in love with the baby.

But for me it's different, at my eighth month of pregnancy, the little bond that I felt for my growing baby was snatched away from me just because of an ultrasound scan.

One would actually think a photographic glimpse of what your baby looks like will give you an avenue to connect and identify with your baby, but for hubby and I the reverse was the case.

Maybe it's because it wasn't until my third scan that we were able to see anything of our baby, or maybe the only knowledge I have of ultrasounds is the face that of my first child and this does not look anything like him.

Whatever the explanation, I just feel so disconnected and physically separated from my unborn baby.

My main fear is that when my baby is finally born, I won't be able to properly bond and connect with him/her. The thought that I'll have to go through labour pains only to give birth to a baby that when placed into my arms, I'll feel like I am carrying someone else's baby is a hard pill to swallow.

Some three years ago when my first son was born, I immediately fell in love with him. And my love continued to grow every day as I got to know him more, that instant feeling of belonging was there without a doubt from the start.

Don't blame me, I know I sound weird, and I have also been trying not to compare my pregnancies so that I won't be in the habit of comparing babies when he/she is finally given birth to. Even now, it looks to me like I've already failed at raising siblings. After all, before I saw the face of my first child, I've never seen him before yet we bonded easily, but can't I do the same with this one?

I know I sound immature, saying I don't like the look of my unborn child, but the fact that my husband who rarely reacts felt the same thing without me saying anything confirms it, I'm not alone in my crazy world.

Now I know technology can be a blessing and also a curse, which one this falls under I don't know. It's a blessing in that I can find out about my baby's health, but also a curse because had I not checked, I wouldn't be having these forbidden thoughts about my unborn child. Oh well, let me say it's a blessing because now that I know, I can be able to do something about the shock and discomfort I feel now before my baby is born. So that I can give him all the warmth, love and care that he deserves.