My wife and I have lost 3 babies to miscarriages, the twins were born dead and just recently she lost yet again another one at 9 weeks although she wasn’t even aware she was pregnant when she lost it, that didn’t make it less devastating. It’s been a long, torturing journey full of heartbreaks for us both and we have come to the end of it. I understand many have lost more pregnancies than we have and are still trying but how many more losses can we endure without freaking out and losing our minds?
Many share testimonies of how they’ve had more than 7 pregnancies before they finally have their “rainbow baby.” I guess that’s because they have a better shock absorber than we do, anymore loss and my wife might relapse into the bottomless dark even now there are times she sits all alone and I see dark shadows cross her eyes, she’s still mourning all our dead babies and that’s enough for a human to bear.
Even I can’t get the image out of my head, we may quit this tumultuous journey but how can the graphic image of the lost twins, the image of my dear wife crying dejectedly after losing our first baby, of her crying silently after the third one be erased from my head? And how can I watch her go through this loss again, probably have a dozen more loss before finally mothering a living child is a
And how can I watch her go through this loss again, probably have a dozen more loss before finally mothering a living child is something I’d never submit her to even if my life depended on it. I know she keeps thinking, “what if the next attempt brings us our child?”
But what if that never happens? What if she miscarried again? It will be unfair to her spirit, it will make her heart bleed even more and she might be tempted to keep trying.
The question is, at what point do you stop trying and start thinking of a different life for yourself? It’s a hard nut to crack, this journey can only end when you finally have a baby or you decide “I’ve tried enough” so I can’t answer for anyone but myself when these things will happen or whether it will happen at all.
I’m sure my wife might decide to keep trying out of guilt, not just for herself but for me but instead of running after kids that keep eluding us, how about we find pleasure in other wonderful and beautiful things in life? I know many other people are still counting on us to finish this journey victorious but really we’re tired of this torturing journey.
They often say “Stay positive. It will happen.” But will it ever happen? If it does, it won’t be because we have been trying, it will be because we made love without giving a thought to babies and it happened, because I’ve tried, she has tried and we’ve had enough losses to last us a lifetime. My heart is heavy, my head is spinning and the thought of letting go is blowing out my mind, but
My heart is heavy, my head is spinning and the thought of letting go is blowing out my mind but we’ve reached our bus stop, here we lay our baby battle to rest unless God says nay.
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