Before you think of leaving that marriage after years of toiling to make it survive, try and make it work. You really have to ask yourself this questions “is divorce the only option?” or can my marriage be salvaged?”
If your marriage is not totally whacked and you believe it can be helped then try your best to save it! Here are some tips to help you in your quest. Goodluck!
1. Make a list of all the issues you argue about
To find a solution to any problem, the first you need to do is know the cause/root of the problem. Make a list of all the things that makes it impossible to live with your spouse. Do not omit anything, after making the list, write down your own part in it, how did you respond? what actions did you take? It’s easy to blame people when you feel you are good, it might be hard for you to write down the list of how you responded because in doing so the truth will be staring you in the face. You didn’t try enough! And your response was wrong. Don’t try to act like a martyr, see your own flaws too!
2. Commit
Truth is most couples are too busy to make their marriage work. And most people that want out of their marriage are those who are not committed to making it work. If you decide to commit, you have decided to put in the hard work that is needed to save your marriage. When you waver and start thinking about what it would be like if you married someone else or how you wish your life would be different, then you won’t be ready to put up enough fight and energy needed to safe your marriage. For the sake of what you had, how you started and your children, try and make your marriage work. Don’t quit on it!
3. Forget your options
When a marriage is in crisis, instead of focusing on the situation on hand, couples usually take the easy way out. It’s hard to deal with a marriage that’s not working, and it’s too painful to continue trying so what they do is ignore and focus on other things. An important step to bringing the energy back into the relationship is to forget your options. Look at those things that you have made the substitute for the joy and happiness of your relationship and ask yourself if it’s worth it and can it last long? Some find solace in drinking, while others engage in work, exercise, overeating, social media, taking care of the kids. And although there is nothing wrong in these activities, if your reason for engaging in it is to run away from the truth and from talking things out with your spouse then you are wrong. Some even device means on continuing a relationship with someone else, but what gives you the assurance that the new person would be better than your old spouse? talk it out! Don’t shy away.
4. Let it go
When you are frustrated with your marriage, it’s easy to blame the other party, calling them names but its better to quit the name-calling, finger-pointing, blaming, and shaming because it will only breed bitterness in your home. Instead of all this why not find a better and easy way of communicating with them, in such a way that you won’t sound like you are blaming them or complaining. Learn to ask for what you want directly, bitterness is not good for your marriage, don’t let it strive.
5. Communicate
If you don’t know how to communicate with your spouse learn now, whatever your concerns are express them in such a way that they’d understand. Don’t just assume “she knows what I’m talking about and she’s ignoring it”. A straight forward way to do that when having a sensitive conversations is to start your sentence with any of this three options; “I feel ….”; “My fear is that”; or “I would like to you/us to ….…” A straight forward statement is often easier to understand. Choose your word wisely.
6. Eliminate the big bad A’s
The three A’s that’s cancerous to a marriage are affairs, addictions, and excessive anger. Do not allow them to abound in your relationship, if you want your marriage to strive you have to eliminate these three in your life. If you can’t do it alone, get help from a marriage counsellor or therapist. If your spouse is the one with this habits it might be hard to salvage your relationship unless they are ready to change. If not, it’s advised you get out of the marriage ASAP.
7. Make decisions as a team
Marriage is like a partnership. If you keep making decisions that involve the two of you and you keep leaving them out you are not helping. Partners have to make decisions in order to reach solutions that please you both. Don’t always try to get your way, it’s not always about you, instead of this, try to sort out your differences amicably when you have one, talk about your concerns and fears. Remembering this is not about you alone, listen to what your spouse has to say so you can together find a solution that works for both of you.
8. Get help
You can’t know it all, you have to keep studying and learning your spouse like a book. You also need to know more about how best to handle issues in your marriage, after all you wouldn’t fly a plane without taking a class in it, so find books that will help your marriage and you can also go for marriage counselling with your husband.
These can only work for couples who are ready to make their marriage work together, it takes two to tango after all, so if only one person is trying while the other does not care then it becomes hard work. If you are reading this, share with your spouse! And work together as a team to revive your marriage.
Helpful? Mamalettes what are the other things you can do to save a marriage? Let’s reason together! Visit our forum or post your comments below.
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