How My Miscarriage Made Me A Better Mom

Editorial Team

I know how weird that sounds, that a miscarriage will make someone into a better mom, but that's the truth.

When I turned 30, some weeks after my wedding, my husband and I tried for a baby. And I was surprised when 15 days later, I discovered I was pregnant.

"I love you!" my husband screamed happily and instead of getting on my knees and thanking God I found it too good to be true. "That can't be right! This is our first try" I protested. "How come?"

I was pregnant and it was for real. "This guy is so good at his thing," my husband said beating his chest in bravado, and I laughed, looking at him feeling himself.

And as happy as I was about the prospect, we are not ready, I said to myself. My thought was that we would have some months to ourselves, so we'd be able to enjoy our married life alone for some time, and also have enough time to make plans for our new family.

Then one day I went to the drugs counter at a supermarket and I felt a tug in my belly, but it passed quickly. The next day, I wasn't feeling very well, I went to the toilet to pee, then I saw blood and a very big clot, I immediately suspected something was wrong.

An ultrasound and a radiologist confirmed my suspicion, I already lost the foetus.

And when I got pregnant, four months latre, I was wiser. And although I don't wish a miscarriage on anyone, I can say I was able to learn these things which helped me to be a better mom from my miscarriage experience.

1. Take things slowly 

Unlike my first pregnancy, the approach I took with my second pregnancy was different. I was calm and relaxed. After hearing the news of my first pregnancy, I went ahead and bought books, like 4 of them, healthy drugs, I made sure to take my supplements and vitamins without missing anything, got at least 7 hours of sleep and I was devoted to eating healthy foods. The second pregnancy was different, though, the day I was confirmed pregnant, I went out ate 3 meatpies and took 2 cups of ice-cream. Yeah I know how not very healthy that is, but I was too happy to care.

I'm not saying you should take alcohol, cigarette and other unhealthy foods, what I'm trying to say is that this free and relaxed approach really worked. I guess I was able to do that because I've been there, and I know what could go wrong. So instead of worrying about whether I'm taking appropriate drugs, getting the right amount of sleep and eating the right amount of food, I focused on being pregnant. And I enjoyed every bit of it, every swell, stretch mark and symptoms all amazed me.

2. Nice Things are overvalued

My husband and I shopped for some furniture for our home, shortly after the announcement of the first pregnancy at an expensive furniture outlet, we bought a couch and throw pillows. But now, the throw pillows are bug-bitten and the couch has changed face. Expensive doesn't mean great when you have a new home endeavour to buy things that are most important at the time, and that are durable, not because they are expensive.

3. I married right 

My husband didn't know how to console me about the miscarriage, as a man, he was always there, cuddling me and showing affection, but no word was said from him to me. Three days after my miscarriage, my husband took garri and gbegiri, then he claimed he had food poisoning. Rolling on the floor, he cried "My tummy o! Omigod! I feel like they are tearing my tummy apart"

"Are you kidding me?" I should be mourning and there he was crying and I had no choice than to focus my attention on him, this continued for three days and he didn't agree to go to the hospital. It was later that he confessed it wasn't food poisoning that made him sick, it was his guilt. He felt selfish because he was sad when we lost the baby when actually I'm the one feeling the pain and the physical symptoms. He didn't know how to help so he staged a stomach ache.

And do you know, I felt better after his confession, it felt good to know he actually cared that much. It strengthened our relationship. It had me wondering "What will he do when my water broke?" Probably somersault.

4. My body rocks

When I lost my pregnancy, I started thinking. Was it my fault? Did my uterus knew I wasn't ready for motherhood and so kicked against my foetus? Did the contraceptive drugs I took when I was still in town caused damage to my reproductive organs? I kept asking questions just to find a reason.

Now I know better, my body is fine. It worked the way it was designed to. So I took the blame off myself, knowing that miscarriage is a developmental problem.

5. I found great friends

I thought I was the only one who had a miscarriage, but when I opened up, I found a whole lot of people who did too. And I discovered that miscarriage is alarmingly common, some of my friends had had more than two miscarriages.

When I started talking to other moms on social media, our common issue brought us together and it also helped build my confidence. Whatever I'm going through, I'm not alone. We talked to each other without no shame or pity because they have also been there. We only comforted ourselves and shared our stories.

6. I learned to prioritize

Other things can wait. My family comes first now, I know the dishes are dirty and they need washing, I also know I have to cook lunch, but that can wait too. For right now, my husband wants to dance with me and my son wants me to help with his homework. The club meeting can wait because my husband and I are going on an outing.

I'm not happy I lost my foetus, no mother can be, and I regret not laughing and celebrating at the news of my pregnancy, but I'm very happy at being given a second chance at motherhood and I intend to do a better job at being a mom.